Shit My Mom Says

My mom says the most ridiculous shit. For your reading pleasure, I’m sharing this nonsense. I literally make notes while I talk with her on the phone or when I hear something extra special from her in person. I’ve been doing this for years now and I finally have a decent collection. She’s asked me not to share what she says with people because she thinks she’ll be misunderstood, but I can’t resist.

I will ask you to proceed with caution. If you are easily offended, don’t read this. I’m sure my posts are anything but politically correct, but my mother is quite a free spirit when she and I converse. In her defense, as a disclaimer, you should know that she loves all of God’s children.

You’ve been warned.

*Newest additions on top*

On my nieces and nephew’s Christmas concert • You missed out Andrea. They had every language singing Christmas songs. Spanish. Canadian. Asian. It was a Kung pow Christmas!

On me pondering how to lose weight (while we’re having a few cocktails) • Me: Maybe if I commit myself to a facility, I’ll lose weight then. Mom: No way you won’t. Those people get real huge. 400lbs. Because they’re eating all that slimebucket food. Antipsychotics too. It won’t be good. Then you’ll really want to end it all.

Mom on iPhone navigation • Let me ask Siri! That bitch is so fuckin smart! Oh she heard me say bitch and now she’s pissed!

On the MN state fair • I’m not going to the state fair! All these big old people walking around with their big stinking asses! They all have diahrrea from eating spicy shit all day! No thanks! Everything there smells funny! Like butt! What are you doing over there? (As I was typing notes feverishly in my phone) You can’t put that on Facebook! Fair lovers are going to come kill me!

On the moisture in the basement at my house • I’m not sleeping down there! It stinks. Pointing to the inside of her bra: like if you had to sleep right here under someone’s bra. It stinks!

On my heartache • If you don’t get over this, I’m going to catch you and beat the shit out of you!

On me sharing stories • I don’t know why you tell everyone about your business! Who wants to know about all of that?! I don’t need to tell everyone that shit! Me: Mom, that’s called the tree of trust! Mom: I’m not in the tree of trust! I don’t trust you and you don’t trust me. Or you shouldn’t trust me. Period.

On trying out for high school cheerleading • Our song was: beat boys beat em, bust em boys bust em. Beat em, bust em, that’s our custom, c’mon boys, let’s disgust them! The coach told me: Pam, you’re too loud! Mom: How could a cheerleader be too loud!? I was loud because I was fucking pissed. Coach: Pam, you’ll overwhelm the squad! Mom: Yep, fucked again!

On the light rail • That’s a cheap apartment! These people can fall asleep and ride the train to the end of their night. My sister: til the end of their life!

On the homeless peeing on the light rail • They take a wizard off the train and then get back on! Then they take a dump on the train! (Impersonating a light rail monitor): “Pick that up sir! Put it in your pocket!”

On the guy who ghosted me after I asked him to church • Are you joking me off?! That sissy ass! That shit sissy ass!

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