What path does a single gal’s bitching-blog take after said gal admits she’s still alone at 33 because she’s kind of bitter? If you haven’t read my last post, you should do that now. https://datingpieceofsass.com/2018/01/25/the-bare-truth/ That baby was pretty revealing and I explained that I might be critical (and ultimately single) because I’m not totally satisfied in my life.
I’ve been contemplating the direction of ye ole blog since I last wrote almost 4 months ago, and I’m not sure that I really have a defined path ahead… I am sure as hell however, that I’ve been focusing on avoiding shitty dates for months. And if I happen to go on a shitty date with a guy that has a large black stain on his two front teeth, I try not to think of it as a reflection of myself.
Good news is since I was last here, my 2 year old niece has learned how to call people “butthole” when she gets frustrated with them. Afterwards, under her breath, she’ll add “your butt stinks.” I’ll tell you I think she is magical and this milestone has been enough to sustain one proud auntie.
I took an online dating sabbatical for a bit. During this time, I painted furniture, read a few books, went to some concerts and parties and caught up on my self-care. By self-care I mean drinking vodka in the bathtub with a book, while music was blasting in my living room. My good friend got me a bombass tub suction-cup-holder so I’ve been making real good use of it.
I called my mom a few weeks back and asked her if it was bad that I was buying my produce from the liquor store. She laughed and I told her I was serious. I had bought out their few remaining limes to squeeze in the vodka concoctions I’ve been making lately. I live on the Eastside, so let me tell you ain’t nobody judging my produce shopping up in this neighborhood.
More good news is that I’m actually much too anxious about having a problem with alcohol, to have a problem with alcohol. I have thoughtfully considered this, tested it by successfully abstaining and spoken to my counselor about it. So far so good. Before a gal’s weekend a while back, my best friend Laura said: “Andrea, you’re not testing your sobriety this weekend, we’re drinking!” Her support in my life has been unmatched.
I’ve been into vodka lately because I went to Boston in the Fall and had the most amazing lil number out there. I’ve been trying to make my own knock-off ever since. When I asked about this lovely cocktail, the bartender at Wink and Nod in the South End said incredulously, “I can’t tell you exactly what’s in there. We’re mixologists.” If I wasn’t in love with this lil tottie I was sipping on, I might have spilled it on him. Mixologists. Lord have mercy. That is like a barista saying, I can’t tell you what’s in this fancy coffee drink because you’ll make it at home…(and it will suck and never taste like this one anyway.) C’mon man. I was dolled up and had great big hair that night. Texas big, just like I like it. I ratted it so much I had to give my developed triceps a break, mid-style. And this Southie bartender is going to look at me and deny my MN single white ass, with my precisely drawn full brow and a curly Texas large on my head? Whatever. Payback will be me perfecting this drank.
What he disclosed: heavy whipping cream, lime juice and aloe juice. What I’ve added: vodka, (this is the first listed ingredient, as it has the most volume) almond liqueur and club soda. She goes down real nice-like and whoo it’s refreshing! Not too sweet and doesn’t give me extensive heartburn, so that’s a plus for this old lady, I mean soul.
Besides my under-control drinking hobby, I can also report I went out on a few dates with a guy I actually really enjoy. He’s intelligent, blunt and extremely funny. He has a dry sense of humor and apparently I’m the only one who laughs at him hysterically. I told him that’s probably because I have an undiagnosed TBI (traumatic brain injury). He laughed at me, and then I told him I was serious.
I was pretty smitten when we were on our first date and he took me out on the dance floor to a slow song. I had told him that dancing was my favorite thing to do and he paid attention. I thanked God silently that he had nice teeth and good rhythm.
Earlier that night I was late to arrive at the restaurant we planned to meet at. He called and told me there was an off-street parking spot out front, if I was close. I said I was 10 minutes away and asked him to go stand in it and save it for me. It was like 20 degrees out and I laughed when I said that, so obviously I was being facetious. Low and behold, I arrive and there is a guy all bundled up in front of the restaurant, pacing in a small parking spot. I thought that was pretty friggin’ sweet. I didn’t end up parking there though, because I didn’t want to run my really low car onto a curb, get stuck in the nearby snowbank, or slip trying to get out of my car and go tits-up on the ice. That would be my luck on a first date. And also, tits-up is a British expression for ass-over-tea kettle, it’s not derogatory. Just wanted to clarify that I am not anti-feminist. Well, most days I’m not.
I walked up to him in the street, hugged him and thanked him for saving me a spot. I told him I was enamored that he stood outside that long in the cold. He shrugged his shoulders and said it was no problem. Between him saving me a parking spot and dancing with me later, I was l half in love by the end of the night.
We hung out for a few weeks and I noticed his communication was pretty sporadic. At first he apologized for late responses, but soon a few hours would turn into a day and then he stopped apologizing all together.
He is in his 2nd year of an intense doctoral program and I believe him when he says he’s studying almost every night of the week. A close friend of mine went to a similar program and said her second year in this specialty was by far the hardest… so I’ve been taking that into consideration. However, we all know dudes often bring their phones into the shitter with them to keep up on social media or catch a recent youtube video, so that would give him a few minutes a day that he could be making me a priority and reaching out to say hello. Hoping you get the humor there. Of course, the fact that he’s ‘unavailable’ makes him even more interesting to me. Ugh…these old habits of mine.
I believe his unavailability is also in part to some gal he was with for a few years, cheating on him. Who does that kind of shit? Honestly. She did it in their home and he arrived in time to witness it, a little less than a year ago. That is fucked. And I want to say thank you for nothing to this coldass chick who messed this guy up. With my middle fingers, I curtsy to you, floozie. I know there are always two sides, but no matter her perspective, no one deserves to be cheated on. It’s downright inhumane in my opinion. You can see I’ve also become more reasonable and moderate in the time we’ve spent apart.
In my mind, I make up that this guy may be in the same place I was a few months after Bhole and I broke up. You are tired of being depressed and at home alone, but you’re not really healed up from your heartache either. You think you should get out there but you’re also a bit conflicted about your dating dedication. In other words, you’re hating the players and the game. I get that. It takes time and digging into the discomfort.
As you know, I’ve been digging into my own discomfort in my singletude. I’ve been trying to learn more about myself, the decisions I make and the guys I’m attracted to. And it appears I have a bit of a care-taking habit. Basically it’s taking a lot of fucking restraint for me to not reach out and start doing things I think will make this guy’s life better. You know, things I think will save him.
This is going to sound sick, but I’d love to clean and organize his house. If my friends are reading this, they know how much I love to organize; I believe it’s a productive symptom of my OCD. Anyway, his house is a mess. I think he (understandably) spent the past few months feeling pretty bummed out and overwhelmed. I know those feelings too. And when I wasn’t laying in bed all day after my break up, I was cleaning out closets and organizing and repainting rooms, to cope with them. He, on the other hand, walks a small footpath of ice and snow to his garage everyday because he hasn’t shoveled since approximately late December. And that ain’t no joke in MN. I walked this death march with him twice in my wedges and if it weren’t for him holding my hand, I would’ve bitten it hard.
There are some other telltale signs he may be struggling that I don’t need to outline here. The moral of the story is that I can see that he may not be in the most healthy or stable place right now and instead of walking away as soon as I realize this, I want to get all up in it. I want to help him be more healthy; I want to rescue him. I guess maybe that is really typical of a chick, but it’s especially typical of me.
I’m learning however, that this tendency I have gets me into trouble for a few reasons:
1) People have to love themselves enough to want to be healthy, on their own.
B) If a person takes my help for awhile and then doesn’t make changes, or stops wanting it, I end up resenting them.
3) If a person doesn’t take my help at all, I feel less-than or sort of like a failure.
E) If a person is really healthy when I meet them and I can’t really ‘help’ with anything, I may wrongfully interpret this as them being boring or not exciting enough for me.
As much as I enjoy this guy and would like to spend time with him laughing and having fun, I know I can’t continue to approach him. I can’t save him; he has to do that for himself.
I recently texted him and said that I hadn’t heard from him for a bit and was surmising that he wasn’t really interested anymore. He responded, “It’s not like that. We can talk.”
I gave this guy what I thought was an out and figured he could easily say: Yeah Andrea, I’m not really interested..or I’m interested but too overwhelmed right now.. But alas, he didn’t say or do what I wanted him to, and that is on me to cope with now. I’ll keep you posted, but don’t hold your breath.
Ask for what you want and then release the outcome. ~ Q