For a different angle this week, I’m not going to complain! Boom. I want you to know I composed this post in about 30 minutes while my niece and I played restaurant. I was a bit apprehensive to write this because I couldn’t possibly say all of the many blessings I am grateful for in this short time. As much as y’all know I like to bitch, I am really finding myself quite content this Thanksgiving.
Being single for a bit over a year now has given me some real perspective in my life. Guess I always had this sense that my life wouldn’t really start until I met my someone. I have to say that I don’t find much truth in that anymore and I am grateful for that. I have been living with the help of the good Lord, my family and friends, and I’m starting to realize this life of mine is pretty damn good. Even though it’s not what I imagined at 33, I am so blessed to be where I am.
I have spent a significant amount of time downtrodden, anxious and regretting the precious time I wasted on assholes. On trying to make someone fit in my head, or my family, when really I should’ve kicked their sadass into the street. Especially Bhole. I can confidently say the only good thing about him is that he put an autostart on my car. Yes I may have thought about running him over with this car, but I wouldn’t want to lose that autostart. It’s priceless when I can start my car in the winter, through a parking ramp, 3 blocks away. Hollah!
I think of my parents aging and my nieces and nephews getting older and not saying all the ridiculous shit they used to say as tiny children. Like naming a fishing pole a “dinkin’ pole” or calling a fool a “bidiot.” One of my favorites, “that tastes like buttcheek, I can’t like it.” Or my 2 year old niece randomly yelling “penis!” in stores. And maybe the best yet is when we were walking up to communion during mass and my dad pointed out a statue of one of God’s saints to the infamous 2 year old. She looked at that statue and with a furrow in her brow said, “bad girl, God.” You can’t make this shit up.
I think of missing family time, vacations and milestones because I have been so sad about being single.
Well I’m here to say, fuck that Andrea. Ain’t nobody got time for crying in their beer. Especially when they can fill up their coffee mug with a hot Bailey’s java and go to their niece’s ‘mastics practice. Seriously did that last week and it was a glorious treat. I sipped that cup of goodness while I watched all these dedicated tired ass parents trying to control their rowdy children that were not on the mats. No thank you people. You know it’s always an individual parent there because I’m sure if they are coupled, they have to divide and conquer all the tasks and duties they have on the daily. Or maybe they’re a single parent bringing their child to sporting activities and they know all the work rests on their shoulders. Either way it sucks. I felt some gratitude that night that I was unchained and could go home and straight into the bathtub with a book and wine for 2 hours if I wanted.
Speaking of drinking clean… Have you ever had a shower beer? I’ll tell you good ole Code Black got me into that and it is clever. Just what I need when I am pissed off from my commute home or from seeing my chubby ass in a mirror for an hour at yoga sculpt. If my temperament matches the amount of free time I have that evening, I hit the fridge then the shower. It’s so enjoyable to have an ice cold beer in the steam, while smelling the cologned floral notes of my men’s body wash.
Yo Dad, can you tile me up a cup holder in my shower please? I’m imagining one with a drain hole at the bottom so my beer doesn’t float in the water run-off from my hair. Think about it Pops, could be a good one!
Anyway I am finding so much gratitude in my freedom as of late. While my cousin Meredith and I are spending our evenings working out, meeting up with friends, getting massages and drinking ourselves into a fancy, Meredith’s sister Emmy and my sister A-Child (she wishes to remain anonymous – eyeroll) are spending their evenings being hardworking badass moms. They get home from their full time jobs, feed their families, bathe the kids and if they’re lucky, they get to wash their own asses. All before getting 4-5 hours of shitty interrupted sleep. And I’m sure their husbands are also working that same struggle.
Meanwhile, my evenings are my own and I get to sleep in every weekend. I went to bed late last night doing whatever I wanted, woke up this morning and went to yoga sculpt. I drove into St. Paul and found a moment of gratitude looking at downtown while the sun was coming up behind the buildings, it was beautiful.
Now do I still feel uncertain and fearful that I might be alone forever? Hell yes I do. It’s hard to be 33 and unmarried, without kids. I mean what if I’m unable to find the guy that lights my fire without wanting to start him on fire? What if I am so old and dried up by the time I meet someone, that I can’t have kids anymore? Fuckin’ A. But you know what, I can what-if myself into oblivion. And that does not change my situation.
You know what simple expression does change things though? Gratitude. I did a presentation on gratitude at work a few weeks ago and I was surprised at what I learned in my research. Regular gratitude practices have real and visible effects on your body. It can change your physiology – increase endorphins and decrease inflammation. Gratitude decreases blood pressure, increases heart rate variability and improves sleep, among numerous other things. Straight up, gratitude improves mood and attitude. Finding something positive in the everyday is easy and it goes far – I’m trying to make this an evening habit of mine now.
As I’m writing this, my 5 year old niece is asking me to color with her and if she can do my make-up. If she’s got my make-up style, I’ll be looking like Mimi from Drew Carey in a hot minute. All I can think is how lucky I am that she loves me and wants to play with me. Melts my heart.
We’re going to my Aunt’s house tonight and I’m going to have so much fun catching up with my family. I’m contributing apps and dranks. My signature this evening will be a boozy blackberry French soda and I’m sure we’ll have some wine too. We’re all going to talk and yell and laugh over each other for the next few hours and I’m going to love every minute. I’m grateful to feel kind of complete all on my own this Thanksgiving. Instead of waiting for my someone, I’m going to be enjoying my everyone. And I’m certain we’ll end our night as we traditionally do, busting a fat move in the kitchen while cleaning up.
I want to thank you for reading my blog y’all. I feel very happy and blessed to think I can make you smile or have a good laugh. See me later baby!
With love and gratitude,