Let’s Get (S)talkin’

We’ve all done it (at least in the crowd I roll with). That is, certifiably stalked someone in our lives. 

Maybe it’s the friend that ditched out on us Friday night or the one we wish we ditched out on Saturday morning. Most likely, it’s been an ex, or seven.

I may or may not have spent 25 minutes digging around on social media to find out who a guy I’m with has dated before. Or see what poor woman ended up falling for the stray dog the Good Lord freed me from over a year ago. We’ll refer to him as ‘he who shall not be named’ or as my cousin appropriately dubbed him: ‘Bhole.’ #dodgedabullet

In fact, one day maybe I’ll get really drunk and lay out all his shit right here for everyone. Oh man there is a part of me that would love to call him out for what a manipulative POS he is. Has anyone considered a mild flavored revenge like this one? I’ve contemplated much worse but only my best friends know that. It’s better to keep those things on the down low, the quiet, if you know what I mean. 

Bhole was real damaged (as we all are in some way) but damaged people don’t get to be assholes forever. Most of us work through our past hurts, learn to be responsible for ourselves and try not to manipulate others until we’re 40. Rest assured, Bhole will get his some day. As my mother says: “Andrea, water always seeks its own level.” And for a lying cheater like him, that would be in the sewer.

Back on the stalking train. So once I had a friend who knew this gentleman I had been recently set up with. They had a mutual friend and this mutual friend knew where this gent lived. It happened to be really close to where my friend’s house was. 

The day after I told my friend about gent, she came up to me with a Google Map satellite image of the front of his house, on her phone. Boo-ya! Turns out she could’ve been a PI, (private investigator) but was instead using her superpowers to help me. 

We may have even done a lil drive-by number later that week. We’ll call it a welfare check. She wanted me to be prepared for who I was about to meet. Like any concerned citizen, she did some background work on my date. She found out he was a bit of a playa (Mom, that means player – as in plays women). Of course, I thought I would be the exception to this. What a novel idea, Andrea. 

This time it only took me a few weeks to realize I was not the exception for said playa. In Andrea time, that’s pretty short. As a sweet friend of mine, who is now in heaven, used to say totally out of context to make me laugh: “Andrea, players gonna play and haters gonna hate.” Preach Thomas. 🙌

Anyway since this lil google map sitch, I know who to go to if I need to get some discrete information quickly. 

Do you have a friend like this? If you don’t, maybe consider being this friend. I love figuring out puzzles and in my spare time, I may start a lil PI biz. I’m going to call it: You Lie and I’ll Spy, LLC. My motto will be: “I’ve got your back beyotch.” 

I’m a good digger-upper. I’ve done this a lot in my past relationships. Dug til I found shit that had been buried 6 feet under. Not literally people, collect yourselves. But you know, dug around looking for evidence that poked holes in a dickhead dude’s story. You probably know this, but it was an insecurity thing. I didn’t trust (rightfully in the case of Bhole and some others) these chumps, so I did work and found the reasons why. 

A bad guy is going to be a bad guy all on his own, just takes an observant gal (and her good friends) to figure it out. Some of us could be defense attorneys, living like these assholes are innocent even after they’ve been proven guilty. It takes each of us time and our own path to realize when we’re with a d-horn. Sometimes it’s hard to see, especially if you look for the best in people. That’s why you (or your PI friend) want to get to stalking them before your heart gets too involved. I figure we should dig into their dirt before we get buried by it. 

A single gal my age doesn’t have time to waste. I need to know what I’m workin’ with and who I’m about to grace with my presence. Ain’t nobody got time for screwing around with losers.

I’m hoping to use this singletude time I’ve been blessed with to finally start trusting myself. I know y’all, 33 is kind of old to just be getting to this… I have definitely made mistakes in the past. If I can trust and rely on myself now, then odds are that I’ll pick a real gentleman I can trust as well. Which is the opposite of the huge flaming shitbags I’ve chosen in the past. Who knows, I might not have to stalk any of my potential suitors in the future. Maybe my PI biz won’t take off afterall, but a gal can dream. 

4 thoughts on “Let’s Get (S)talkin’

  1. Oh man! Amazing. Laughed out loud so many times, and I love your honesty. Your last paragraph hits it home. Here’s to hoping you and everyone else who is single out there takes this advice and puts it to use seriously. Y’all deserve the best.


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